A Countdown To Vasectomy
by Carbuncle
Summary: Another future tale, which will probably make the male generation squeal in horror.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
'A Countdown To Vasectomy'  
  
"Phew! That was fun!", shrieked Aerith. "Let's go again!"  
  
"Again?! Woah!", Cloud tried to get his breath back. "I don't think I can go again! I mean, I'm not some kinda machine!"  
  
"Aw, you're no fun Cloud!", grumbled Aerith. "You'll do it with me again, won't you Barrett?"  
  
"Uh... I dunno. I sorta got a weak stomach from the last time too. It really took a lot out o' me!", Barrett gasped.  
  
"So neither of you are up for it?!", Aerith groaned. "Okay, what about you Tifa?"  
  
"I-I don't think so. I didn't really like it much. I'd never done anything like that before and it scared me a little.", explained Tifa. "You hear all sorts of horrible stories about all these things that could go wrong."  
  
"Sigh! So what am I gonna do?! I can't go it alone!"  
  
"Why don't you go ask Vincent or Cid? I think they're around here somewhere.", suggested Cloud.  
  
"Alright! I'll go find one of the others. I bet they're up for it!", Aerith walked off leaving Cloud, Tifa and Barrett huffing and wheezing.  
  
"Now what we gonna do?", wondered Barrett.  
  
"Barrett, could you let me and Cloud have some time alone for a while?", asked Tifa.  
  
"Sure! I'll see ya later!"  
  
"Okay, Cloud. Now its just you and me! Show me what kind of a man you are!", Tifa cheered.  
  
"You got it! Get ready cause I'm gonna make you sweat, baby!", Cloud smiled. "I'm taking you... to Wonder Square!"  
  
The whole party were spending the day at the Gold Saucer (What?! What did you think they were doing exactly?!). They had just riden the rollercoaster at Speed Square for the seventh time and now they wanted to relax and try something a bit less stomach-churning.  
  
"How much GP do you think we'll win?", questioned Tifa.  
  
"2000 GP!", Cloud screamed.  
  
"Well, well, well! If it isn't my favourite buddies in the whole wide world! Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockheart!"  
  
"Oh, Cait Sith. It's you.", moaned Cloud.  
  
"How ya doing?! You know what? You guys are my fifth customers today! I'm gonna tell your fortune on the house!", Cait Sith smirked.  
  
"No, we're not here for our fort-"  
  
Tifa quickly put her hand over Cloud's mouth, which silenced him immediately.  
  
"Go ahead! I always wanted to know what the future held for Cloud and I."  
  
"Okeedokee!", flinched Cait Sith. "It's 25 years into the future. I see... I see a large villa in the sunny Costa Del Sol... Which isn't yours. Hmmm, now I see... a small house in the run down town of North Corel..."  
  
  
A middle aged man with balding blonde hair walked towards a dirty beat-up old shack. Upon entering, he was greeted by a woman cooking near a stove. She had black hair, and was wearing a white T-shirt and a very short skirt.  
  
"Cloud dear, where on earth have you been? Your dinner has been ready for three hours!"  
  
"I'm sorry Tifa.", the man replied. "I was just eyeing up the new weapon selection over at the market stall."  
  
"Oh Cloud, you're 46 years old now! Your adventuring days are over!", sighed Tifa.  
  
"My adventuring days will never be over!", Cloud slurred. "Tifa, I'm horny. Let's have sex."  
  
"No Cloud! Not until you agree to have that vasectomy!"  
  
"WHAT?! I told you last night... There's no way I'm having one of them!", Cloud bloated.  
  
"But Cloud, we've already had six children together. I can't cope with anymore!"  
  
"I don't care! I'd rather have another kid dangling off your teats, than have my weiner tampered with by some poor excuse for a doctor!"  
  
"Well, you know the rules... No vasectomy... No sah-sex with me!", Tifa crossed her arms and turned away.  
  
"You're so sexy when you get mad!", Cloud laughed. "C'mere baby!"  
  
"No!", yelled Tifa.  
  
"D'ah! I'm going out!", Cloud stormed out the front door in frustration. Tifa then heard his voice echo from outside. "Hey there, can I take a look at that new sword? Oh, thats just superb! Can I touch it? No, just let me hold it! I-I... Give it to me! You little... There, got it! One, two, three... Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!"  
  
"What the...?", Tifa paused.  
  
"Tifa?!", shouted Cloud. "I... I did it! I had a vasectomy! Ca-Can we have sex now?"  
  
"Oh my...", Tifa fainted to the floor.  
  
  
"Ergh! I actually perform the operation myself?!", paniced Cloud.  
  
"I guess. I don't get it right all the time. But I do know this for sure... You guys are destined to be together!"  
  
"Hmmm, I suppose that is good news.", gurgled Tifa. "Th-Thanks, Cait Sith."  
  
Cloud and Tifa wandered off to play Mog House. Aerith poked her head out from behind a thick pillar.  
  
"I'm... so... mad... right... now!", she moaned.  
  
Suddenly, a piece of the stone pillar crumbled from above, and came crashing down on her head. She was killed instantly.  
  
"Geez!", Cait Sith belowed. "I usually stand over there! Thank God for Cloud and Tifa!"  
  
THE END__________ 


End file.
